Zombie Housewives

Everyone thought that the apocalypse would bring spiritual elation, fanatical regret and repentance, and the apathetic acceptance of a fate of eternal damnation.

But no one predicted the zombies.

It turns out that God had the best publicist out of all the heavenly publicists. The sell was flawless with all of the love, forgiveness, miracles and promise of infinite whateveryouwanted in heaven. But the truth was, that God was kind of an ass. He was more Eddie Haskell that Beaver, and loved a great joke at the expense of others. In fact, he lived for that shit.

So he planned for a few thousand years, and the set up was painstakingly perfect. He left the clues in his biography and etched in stone for the people to figure out with their little mathematical equations. He made the warning signs evident for those who chose to notice. And as the eve of his "big show" as he called it, drew close, he had his favorite little seraphim pour him a tall goblet of heavenly nectar, and made himself comfortable to watch the funniest damn joke of the past five thousand years.

The Apocalypse? What a crock of shit! Kandi thought as she clicked off her flat screen and drew her curtains tightly closed. Her girlfriends would be picking her up in the limo around 9pm so she set her alarm for 7pm. An hour would be just enough beauty sleep to prepare for the evening's festivities. Donning only a sheer black teddy, she slipped between the sheets and snuggled down into her feather bed and comforter. She loved her bed more than her husband.

A melodic ringing of church bells slowly awakened Kandi from her beauty sleep. She coughed. Her throat was dry. Really dry. She reached for the glass of water by her bedside and tried to take a sip. Ugggh! She spit put the water. What the fuck? She was dying of thirst but water was repulsive. She craved something else. Walking to the bathroom she felt stiff; I fact, she noticed her normal runway gait seemed to be hampered by stiffened joints. Was she limping? Was there a slight dragging of her right leg? She must have slept funny, she decided.